ASHLEY ARMSTRONG'S BEST BAR QUOTES
Compiled by Gary Wright

Ashley Armstrong is a bartender at Cheap Seats Sports Bar located at 2301 Hubbell Ave, Des Moines, Iowa.

This is a hand-picked selection of some of the weird and wonderful things that customers have said...


"Any kind of bong water tastes like dirty ass steaks."

"You got a great Eastside crotch."

"I've been taking Cialis all month to quit smoking and all I've ended up with is this raging hard-on."

"After our bartender tells us she has the shits, she goes and makes us bloody mary's. Literally fingers our pickles. Yeah so, we don't go there anymore."

"It's so cold in the bathrooms I almost used the hand dryer to defrost my penis."

"I would fuck him so hard if he had a vagina."

"Do you have any sand back there? I need some for my girlfriends vagina so her crabs feel at home."

"Go wash your balls. It looks like a dryer lint trap down there."

"I gotta big cock and I caught a bird."

"She had tits like basketballs, but she smelled like a goat. So yeah, I got her number."

"A boner is like a thumbs up for your balls letting you know you like what you're looking at."

"I'm married. Married to my own vagina."

"I was knee deep in poontang this weekend."

"If you can't accept me for my tits then fuck off."

"Alcohol is considered a spirit, so I guess you could call me spiritual."

"That's why a T-Rex is so angry, his arms are too short to beat off."

"I've never had a bad anal experience which is why I'm not against it."

"I'll take my bag of dicks now."

"I like pecans. But, I think that's because they look like pussies."

"I am a gentleman and a scholar. Back in college I was an honor student. On her, off her, on her, off her."

"Make it quick fuckboy."

"Shut your dickwasher."

"Why can't they make beer that tastes like pussy?"

"You just have that sitting on my face kinda face."

"It tastes like coconut dick."

"Every girl is one shot away from being a lesbian."

"Fweef. When you fart and queef at the same time."

"You can fuck off, fuck off, or fuck off. You choose."

"It was so cold tonight that my nipples got home 5 minutes before I did."